A New Job, A New Me

It’s never too late.

I’m at an age where, two generations ago, I would be venerated as a village elder. Today, however, I’m wondering what kind of part-time work I’ll find if I can’t sell more of my writing and my paintings.

There are few options available here in Siberia With a View.

I can work at the grocery store, collecting carts from the parking lot and sacking groceries.

If a big box retailer moves to town, I can be a greeter.

In each case, I’ll be issued a snappy outfit, people will call out my name (I’ll wear a name tag), I can be cheerful (with practice), and I can spend some of my minimum-wage earnings on cocoa and a sandwich from the store deli.

Not a bracing prospect.

Ah, but the other day, I came across something intriguing — an offer that could indicate a brighter future for the old boy.

As the former editor of a newspaper, I still receive an astounding amount of mail — a bit of it in the old style (stamped and addressed envelope, handwritten letter or note enclosed), but most is e-mail.

The overwhelming majority of e-mails pushed through the tube to my computer by the digital gerbil are not worth reading. They go to the trash.

Every now and then, though, an e-mail blasts the top off the can, so to speak. Every once in a while, I receive an e-mail that rends the heavens, provokes the paradigm shift.

Got one yesterday, and my future is aglow.

It is an offer from Candi (named changed to protect the somewhat–less-than-innocent).

Candi is giving me the opportunity to work as her apprentice.

Her e-mail comes to me via a channel established long ago to a website in Sedona, Arizona — New Age capitol of the universe (this universe and an infinite number of others). I receive a monthly newsletter from an organization headquartered in Sedona, listing workshops and other events dedicated to the expansion of consciousness and the development of a variety of powers unknown to ordinary folks. (There are no ordinary folks listed in the Sedona telephone directory.)

Were I to partake of the opportunities offered me on a monthly basis I could study subjects such as psychic intuitive training, intergalactic data streaming, Ashtar Command transmission and Pleiadian sexual alchemy, as well as be trained as a Federation Ambassador.

I can’t tell you how many years I’ve yearned to be a Federation Ambassador and, to tell the truth, a dose of Pleiadian sexual alchemy would produce some welcome turns in a rutted road, but I have had neither the time nor the money needed for the undertaking. Plus, I’m not sure I have the stamina required for successful completion of what must be extraordinarily rigorous class sessions.

But, when Candi’s offer arrives, I light up.

The missive from Candi includes her photo and, woowee, let me tell you: Candi is impressive. Her “blond” hair is styled in a very “hip and with it” manner. In the largest photo on the web page, her hair is flying back. I show the photo to a friend, and she tells me it is a “glamour shot.” I, however, believe Candi’s hair is being blown back by an enormous, irresistible force — no doubt quantum in nature and issuing from a source in another dimension.

My friend and I agree to disagree.

Candi offers me a chance to work as her apprentice. If I do so, I will discover and perfect my intuitive gifts (which Candi obviously has already accomplished, since she intuited the fact I would be the perfect apprentice and, thus, sent me the offer).

I will become well versed in matters such as omens, signs and manifestations. I will learn how to remove blocks, cords and curses — something I needed to know a long time ago. I will engage in futuring, visioning and healing techniques created by chakra-based science. And, through easy access to universal forces, I will move in dimensions and zones unknown to lesser-developed souls.

Not bad, eh?

And, I can advance to the Adept level through participation in Candi’s DVD-based instructional program!

Why does Karl buy into this, you ask?

Check out Candi’s credentials and the answer is obvious.

According to her site, Candi has spent more than 100,000 hours on research and the practice of healing modalities. Modalities, mind you!

She has thousands of hours of experience as a speaker and teacher. She’s written hundreds of articles and has spent 25 years providing one-on-one service to who knows how many clients.

OK, if that’s not enough, figure this into the equation and you will get an idea what kinda character this gal manifests: Candi is possessed of superhuman powers.

How do I know this? Unless Candi is less than honest (and who has reason to doubt her?) the photo she puts on the website shows her to be about 50 years old, although she looks a few years younger in the one where her hair is being blasted backward. Ineffable forces will do that, you know.

If you take 100,000 hours and divide it by 24, you get 4,166 days. Divide 4,166 by 365 and you get 11.4 years. So, if Candi worked 24 hours per day, seven days a week on her research, it took her 11.4 years.

Astounding as Candi is, it is highly unlikely she worked round the clock for 11.4 years (or is it?)

So, let’s assume Candi spends 60 hours per week on her research and study. There are 52 weeks in a year, therefore, with 60 hours per week of work, Candi spends 3,120 hours per year on research. Divide 100,000 by 3,120 and we find Candi has devoted 32 years of her life to nothing but study.

Amazing, eh?

If we figure Candi is 50 years old, she has spent her entire working life (and a jam-packed working life it is, at 60 hours per week) learning her extraordinary trade.

But, wait!

Candi has delivered thousands of speeches and taught a stunning number of classes. Figure in the time given over to these engagements, both to preparation and delivery, as well as travel time, and you have thousands, if not tens of thousands of additional hours loaded on to Candi’s obviously strong shoulders. If she was a guy, she’d be Hercules.

But, wait!

Candi has written hundreds of articles. A well-written article — as, no doubt, Candi’s are — requires considerable time and energy.

This is a dynamic person, (I know this, because her website notes she is a “dynamic person”).

But, wait!

Candi has spent 25 years delivering one-on-one client services. It is safe to assume someone of Candi’s character gives as much time and energy to a client as is needed. Think of the hours.

Have I said enough? Huh?

Who could fail to realize that Candi is either 1) a huckster or, 2) the most remarkable person on the face of the planet, clearly evolved far beyond the norm and in touch with powers unknown to nearly all humans from the moment our species first walked on this earth.

Since I possess the reasoning power of the average American, and, therefore, I operate on the premise that, if I see something on the Internet or on a DVD and I can understand it, what I see must be true, my choice has been made.

I am going to be Candi’s apprentice.

My problem: I don’t have the cash needed to enter the program. I can scare up, maybe, two hundred bucks. Not nearly enough, by a long shot.

So, I am going to offer to be Candi’s cook and manpuppet.

I’ve prepared an offer that I will forward to Candi. I am not sure if I will send it via e-mail or simply transmit it with Akashic rays.

Here it is.

“Most impressive Candi:

“Please send me a bank account number into which I can deposit $200 as a down payment securing entry into your apprentice program. At this point in my life, and my development as an advanced being, I realize I must be at your side.

“I propose the remainder of my tuition be tendered in kitchen duty and personal services. I will live in a small, unheated basement room at your house, if necessary.

“I am a pretty darned good cook, Candi, and I am certain, after becoming an Adept, my skills will grow sharper and my range wider.

“For now, however, I am prepared to indulge your every whim as best I can. I know, after indulging a sophisticated mathematical analysis, that you are working at least 22 hours a day, seven days a week, and I know you need nourishment in order to continue on the demanding path you and higher powers have chosen. You are doing the most important kind of work and you need refined fuel to keep you going. I am the guy to provide it.

“I know my way around vegetables, am capable of shopping at farmers’ markets and bringing home the correct change and, if there is ever an occasion you desire animal flesh, I can deal with any species, any cut. I understand the karmic debt involved with consumption of animal proteins and I assure you I am nothing but respectful when it comes to the slaughter and ingestion of defenseless lesser life forms. Plus, should flesh be consumed (who can resist a hot dog now and then?), my lips will be sealed when the apprentices gather to practice newfound techniques and, invariably, as apprentices do, to gossip.

“I eagerly anticipate my service to you and, should you need someone on whom to practice your Pleiadian sexual alchemy, trust that I’ll be available, and discreet, at any time, day or night.

“Yours with a clear sense of our quantum unity,


How can she refuse?

So, I assume, I will soon be on my way from Siberia with a View to Sedona. I am putting together my wardrobe (a lot of earth-tone, blousy clothing) and I am searching for a goofy hat.

As soon as Candi sends me the go-ahead, I’ll tell friends and family I will be in touch, in mysterious ways, and I’ll be off.

If your hair is suddenly and inexplicably blown back, say hello. I’m just passing through.

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3 Responses to A New Job, A New Me

  1. judyrobbinsart says:

    If I ever end up in Sedona, Karl, I will be one normal, everyday person in the telephone directory. However, I will avoid Candi at all costs but will acknowledge you, in an undercover sort of way, at the Farmers’ Market.

  2. bill Musson says:

    i am so tired of those people

  3. Jules Masterjohn says:

    Wow, you did a lot of math for this piece…I am impressed! Fun writing… I can relate to much of your current musings on aging and what to do when we grow up! Have you really retired from your editor post? I was going to wiggle your chain about an article on the Durango Autumn Arts Festival in September….if you have – lucky you, poor me!

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